In a stunning move, today FDNY formally announced they are changing their agency name to EMSNY.  This move comes in light of agency audits conducted of FDNY’s call statistics dating back more than two decades.  For example, just in February 2014, FDNY ran 4,609 structure and non-structure fire calls, but ran 15,167 medical emergencies (grand total of 38,188 calls)* (330% more than fire calls).  FDNY’s EMS division, however, ran 110,154 ambulance calls in February 2014**.  (Editor comment: please note the enormous disparity in call volumes for fire suppression and non-medical – 20%, versus medical calls – 80%.)  This is a typical monthly example.

FDNY’s Interim EMS Chief, Phil Anselmo, says this name change has been considered for the last three years, but has been put off due to the expense of changing station shirts, patches, and stationary.  “Really, this should have happened years ago, as FDNY has run more significantly EMS calls than fire for the last two decades.  You know the old adage, ‘150 years of tradition, unimpeded by progress.'”

While the FDNY’s ambulance drivers are lauding the decision which they believe shines a bright light on the department’s most significant investment of time and labor, not everyone is pleased with this bold move.  Firefighter/Engineer Terry Glaze believes this will remove firefighters from the limelight.  “I have over 25 t-shirts with flames and bulldogs, and my favorite one is ‘Find ‘Em Hot and Leave ‘Em Wet‘.  I’ll have to replace them as they won’t be authorized under the new uniform standards,” says Glaze.  To pad the egos of the single-function firefighters who may not fully embrace this long-overdue change, the department will allow blue EMS-themed t-shirts that feature the grim reaper, blue flames, and skulls, and references to “cheating death”.

Union vice chairman David Peacock is expected to file grievances against FDNY EMSNY and are considering filing for legal protection of the FDNY department name.  As the case is ongoing, no comments were offered by the Union.

Ambulance driver Donnie Hart hopes the city will start spending less money on suppression apparatus and more money on better ambulances.  “Honestly, who spends 3/4 of a million bucks on a fire truck? I could buy, like, 10 ambulances for that!”

* – http://www.nyc.gov/html/fdny/pdf/stats/2014/fire/cw/fire_cwsum_0214.pdf

** – http://www.nyc.gov/html/fdny/pdf/stats/2014/ems/cw/ems_cwsum_0214.pdf

*** – Legal disclaimers: This post is a spoof article on honor of 01 April 2014.  The names used in this article are not intended to reflect actual staff of the FDNY EMSNY.  Names and likenesses are purely coincidental, even though they do accurately resemble men known to sport big hair in the 1980’s.  If you believe that the nation’s largest fire department, a.k.a. New York’s Bravest, would actually change their agency’s name to reflect the significant majority of work they actually perform, you should consider seeking counseling and researching the word, “gullible” (I hear if you say that word slowly, it sounds like “oranges”).  No part of this article should be construed to imply that the author does not appreciate the fine work firefighters perform all over the world everyday and the value they bring in support of the EMS mission.  The author himself has even been a firefighter in the distant past.  The article is intended to bring light to the dark side of the fire service, gollum.